Standing Still

Do you ever feel like you are standing still and your world is racing around you? Like you are just an inactive participant in your own life. Not sure where to go, what to do next, or how to join in on your own life. Well, that is how I happen to feel at this moment. Not so much for just a moment but for a while now.

I am doing a job that I hate, which YES I KNOW a lot of people do jobs they hate. AND YES I KNOW that I should be grateful that I even have a job right now but is that what we are supposed to be doing with our lives, being grateful for things that make us miserable? Maybe miserable is a little extreme, how about unhappy, unfulfilled?

I am realizing that maybe it is not just my job that is making me feel unfulfilled, it is something deeper. Am I depressed? Am I lost? I don't know. That is all I know right now is that I don't know. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know what makes me happy. I don't know what I am passionate about. I don't know where I see myself in 5 years. Wait, I think I do...I see myself knowing. Knowing more than I do now, at least I hope. I feel like I knew what I wanted a few years ago but looking back I don't think it was a knowing as much as a happiness.

I have so much in my life to be happy about and so much to be grateful for and I am happy and grateful for those things. I just don't feel an inner happiness or a feeling of fulfillment. I feel very incomplete and I think it is because I am not living my ideal life. I don't know what my ideal life is yet, I am just figuring out that I am not living it. The first step is admitting to yourself that you don't know- right!

I am not sure what to do, so for now I will do nothing. I have never done nothing, I always try and do something. If I have to do something now, I am going to take care of me. I will follow every impulse I have and see where it takes me. I will be nice to myself and allow myself to make mistakes and fall down. I might get a bruise that lasts 2 weeks (like I did when I went ice skating for the first time) but that's okay. Bruises go away and scars tell a story. I want my scars to tell the story of my arrival to my purpose in life.

I think this is a perfect time to start this journey. The year is ending, my job (yes the one I hate) might be ending, my 20's are ending but so much is beginning. The year is beginning, my 30's are beginning, and who knows what else! Maybe I don't loose my job and maybe it just changes and I end up loving it. Maybe I decide to move to France and teach children English (okay that is funny because I am horrible at English) but the sky is the limit. I almost feel reborn (not like the crazy Christian people) but my spirit is reborn, I am giving myself permission to be a child again. And this time when someone says "what do you want to be when you grown up" I can say "I don't know" and love that answer.