That's right, I am doing nothing. I am not used to doing nothing because I always have something to do. Doing nothing is okay for a day, maybe two, but I have really been doing nothing for like 5 days now and I am ready to do something. I was secretly hoping my work would call and ask me to come in, that is how much I am ready to do something.
I am not exactly sure what my ideal something would be, and I am sort of tired of doing the same old somethings that I always do. I think that this is the perfect time to start new somethings, it is the new year right.
I know that at the end of last year I realized that I had a lot of work to do on me. I had just lost my father and it felt as if my whole world turned upside down. I wasn't happy with the person that I had become and I felt genuinely unhappy. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends but something inside me knew I needed more. I made a vow to myself (okay you can call it a resolution) that I would spend 2009 taking care of me. And I have to say I did. I started therapy, which I highly recommend to everyone at some point in your life. I am not exactly where I want to be yet but I am working on it and I am definitely in a better place than I was at this time last year. I also lost the rest of my baby weight (it only took me 3 years) and I fit into all of my skinny pre-baby jeans again. I have made it a point to start to take care of me more and not just do everything for everyone else. I have learned to ask for what I want and not feel bad about getting it. All in all I think that 2009 was a good year for Me and now 2010 is the year for new somethings.
Although I realize that with the economy being a mess and changing to new somethings is harder than ever I know that I can do it. Anything is possible if you work hard and have the right attitude. As this will probably be my last post of 2009 I end this year with fond thoughts of how much I have grown and changed (both physically and emotionally) and continue the work on Me. I look forward to the new year and what it will bring. I am ready for some new somethings, whatever they may be!
Happy New Year and bye bye to 2009!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Standing Still
Do you ever feel like you are standing still and your world is racing around you? Like you are just an inactive participant in your own life. Not sure where to go, what to do next, or how to join in on your own life. Well, that is how I happen to feel at this moment. Not so much for just a moment but for a while now.
I am doing a job that I hate, which YES I KNOW a lot of people do jobs they hate. AND YES I KNOW that I should be grateful that I even have a job right now but is that what we are supposed to be doing with our lives, being grateful for things that make us miserable? Maybe miserable is a little extreme, how about unhappy, unfulfilled?
I am realizing that maybe it is not just my job that is making me feel unfulfilled, it is something deeper. Am I depressed? Am I lost? I don't know. That is all I know right now is that I don't know. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know what makes me happy. I don't know what I am passionate about. I don't know where I see myself in 5 years. Wait, I think I do...I see myself knowing. Knowing more than I do now, at least I hope. I feel like I knew what I wanted a few years ago but looking back I don't think it was a knowing as much as a happiness.
I have so much in my life to be happy about and so much to be grateful for and I am happy and grateful for those things. I just don't feel an inner happiness or a feeling of fulfillment. I feel very incomplete and I think it is because I am not living my ideal life. I don't know what my ideal life is yet, I am just figuring out that I am not living it. The first step is admitting to yourself that you don't know- right!
I am not sure what to do, so for now I will do nothing. I have never done nothing, I always try and do something. If I have to do something now, I am going to take care of me. I will follow every impulse I have and see where it takes me. I will be nice to myself and allow myself to make mistakes and fall down. I might get a bruise that lasts 2 weeks (like I did when I went ice skating for the first time) but that's okay. Bruises go away and scars tell a story. I want my scars to tell the story of my arrival to my purpose in life.
I think this is a perfect time to start this journey. The year is ending, my job (yes the one I hate) might be ending, my 20's are ending but so much is beginning. The year is beginning, my 30's are beginning, and who knows what else! Maybe I don't loose my job and maybe it just changes and I end up loving it. Maybe I decide to move to France and teach children English (okay that is funny because I am horrible at English) but the sky is the limit. I almost feel reborn (not like the crazy Christian people) but my spirit is reborn, I am giving myself permission to be a child again. And this time when someone says "what do you want to be when you grown up" I can say "I don't know" and love that answer.
I am doing a job that I hate, which YES I KNOW a lot of people do jobs they hate. AND YES I KNOW that I should be grateful that I even have a job right now but is that what we are supposed to be doing with our lives, being grateful for things that make us miserable? Maybe miserable is a little extreme, how about unhappy, unfulfilled?
I am realizing that maybe it is not just my job that is making me feel unfulfilled, it is something deeper. Am I depressed? Am I lost? I don't know. That is all I know right now is that I don't know. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know what makes me happy. I don't know what I am passionate about. I don't know where I see myself in 5 years. Wait, I think I do...I see myself knowing. Knowing more than I do now, at least I hope. I feel like I knew what I wanted a few years ago but looking back I don't think it was a knowing as much as a happiness.
I have so much in my life to be happy about and so much to be grateful for and I am happy and grateful for those things. I just don't feel an inner happiness or a feeling of fulfillment. I feel very incomplete and I think it is because I am not living my ideal life. I don't know what my ideal life is yet, I am just figuring out that I am not living it. The first step is admitting to yourself that you don't know- right!
I am not sure what to do, so for now I will do nothing. I have never done nothing, I always try and do something. If I have to do something now, I am going to take care of me. I will follow every impulse I have and see where it takes me. I will be nice to myself and allow myself to make mistakes and fall down. I might get a bruise that lasts 2 weeks (like I did when I went ice skating for the first time) but that's okay. Bruises go away and scars tell a story. I want my scars to tell the story of my arrival to my purpose in life.
I think this is a perfect time to start this journey. The year is ending, my job (yes the one I hate) might be ending, my 20's are ending but so much is beginning. The year is beginning, my 30's are beginning, and who knows what else! Maybe I don't loose my job and maybe it just changes and I end up loving it. Maybe I decide to move to France and teach children English (okay that is funny because I am horrible at English) but the sky is the limit. I almost feel reborn (not like the crazy Christian people) but my spirit is reborn, I am giving myself permission to be a child again. And this time when someone says "what do you want to be when you grown up" I can say "I don't know" and love that answer.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
What?? This is the end of a decade....
....And no one is making a big deal about it! I am not sure what rock I have been living under but it is just occurring to me that in a few short weeks we are ending a decade! Ten years have passed since the last ending of a decade and I think somewhere along the way I became an adult, I'm not certain, but I think that's what happened.
Maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal because the last ending of a decade was also the ending of a century? So since I won't be alive for the next ending of a century I am going to make a big deal about the decade thing!
A new decade also marks a big birthday for me, since I was born in the first year of a decade I will always have that dreaded 30th, 40th, 50th and so on birthday the first year of the new decade. It was quite fun when I turned 10 because I was so stoked to be double digits! And then 20 was pretty cool because I knew only one more year until I could legally drink and I didn't have to fear my fake ID being taken away. But now as we approach 30 I'm not sure I am as excited. I am curious though, if 40 is the new 30 does that mean that 30 is the new 20? Can I act like an irresponsible idiot for another 10 years and people will forgive it because I am 30 something which is the new 20 something? Am I supposed to have a life plan or things figured out since I will be turning 30? How does this work, I'm not sure and I think I missed that day in "how to plan your life" class in High School.
I am married and have a child so I think that makes me forced to be somewhat responsible so okay, fine I will grow up but not without a little kicking and screaming along the way. As this decade ends and the new one begins I'll relish in the memories of being an idiot in my 20's and look forward to the higher paying jobs and plastic surgery that come with my 30's. Don't laugh, you thought about a boob job or a little Botox, I know you did!
I'll will look forward to maybe another child, seeing friends get married and have kids of their own. I'll continue to learn and grow as a person through the help of my trusty therapist-thanks Brian. And like I learned from a friend of mine who knows some stuff, I'll be sure to enjoy everyday like it's my last and do something everyday that scares me like looking at myself naked in the mirror! So here's to you New Decade and look out 30 cause here I come!
Maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal because the last ending of a decade was also the ending of a century? So since I won't be alive for the next ending of a century I am going to make a big deal about the decade thing!
A new decade also marks a big birthday for me, since I was born in the first year of a decade I will always have that dreaded 30th, 40th, 50th and so on birthday the first year of the new decade. It was quite fun when I turned 10 because I was so stoked to be double digits! And then 20 was pretty cool because I knew only one more year until I could legally drink and I didn't have to fear my fake ID being taken away. But now as we approach 30 I'm not sure I am as excited. I am curious though, if 40 is the new 30 does that mean that 30 is the new 20? Can I act like an irresponsible idiot for another 10 years and people will forgive it because I am 30 something which is the new 20 something? Am I supposed to have a life plan or things figured out since I will be turning 30? How does this work, I'm not sure and I think I missed that day in "how to plan your life" class in High School.
I am married and have a child so I think that makes me forced to be somewhat responsible so okay, fine I will grow up but not without a little kicking and screaming along the way. As this decade ends and the new one begins I'll relish in the memories of being an idiot in my 20's and look forward to the higher paying jobs and plastic surgery that come with my 30's. Don't laugh, you thought about a boob job or a little Botox, I know you did!
I'll will look forward to maybe another child, seeing friends get married and have kids of their own. I'll continue to learn and grow as a person through the help of my trusty therapist-thanks Brian. And like I learned from a friend of mine who knows some stuff, I'll be sure to enjoy everyday like it's my last and do something everyday that scares me like looking at myself naked in the mirror! So here's to you New Decade and look out 30 cause here I come!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Tis The Season
I just wanted to share how much I love the holiday season. I don't love the cold weather but I do love the cute sweaters and boots that go along with it. I love winter jackets and fuzzy scarves. Since I live in Souther California I don't really have to deal with all that much "winter" so I can really enjoy it.
What I really love are the tastes of the season. All of my favorite spices such as cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger make their appearance at this time of year. Sometimes all together, and that is just bliss for me. Of all the tastes of the season I think my favorite is peppermint. Be it a candy cane, a peppermint mocha, or with chocolate I love-love-love peppermint! Everyone who knows me knows of my obsession with holiday tea. Not all tea, just one in particular, the Candy Cane tea. It is a wonderful blend of peppermint, vanilla, and decaffeinated green tea. Usually they sell it at Walgreen's (of all places) and I usually stock up for the whole year because I love it so much. Well this year they did not have it at Walgreen's and I was so sad until I saw that they were carrying a similar one at Trader Joes! I was a little skeptical at first but wow, I was so impressed I think I might actually like this one a little more than the Celestial Seasonings one! I am going back this week to stock up for the year!
When doing the weekly shopping this past Saturday I really stocked up on a bunch of yummy seasonal delights. I threw everything festive into the cart, cinnamon almonds, Candy Cane Tea, Gingerbread mix, Apple Spice Cake mix, sea salt caramels, spiral baked ham, and my new favorite goodie: Pfeffernusse! They are a German spice cookie. Pfeffernusse translates to "pepper nut" in English and they are AMAZING! They are soft on the inside, sort of like a sugar cookie with cinnamon, nutmeg, anise, and all spice to name a few. There are no actual nuts in the cookie, but then the outside is covered in a powdered sugar wonderment. It is a little crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside and just a big ol' party in your mouth! I think I am going to bake some from scratch and take them to holiday gatherings they are just so wonderful!
I partook in my first ice skating adventure last night. I don't know if it counts because it was on fake ice and I don't just mean the man made ice, I mean this rink was made out of recycled water bottles. I know here in LA we do things a little different but this was very different. It was sort of like skating on a giant cutting board. I know how knives feel. It was great for someone like me who is a first timer because it is not nearly as slippery as real ice. Once you got the hang of it it was actually quite fun. I ended up having a great time on my fake ice with real friends! I accompanied my skating with some hot chocolate and a chilly night and it really made me feel festive.
There are still so many things to do, but it is all worth the hustle bustle!
Cheers to a wonderful holiday!
What I really love are the tastes of the season. All of my favorite spices such as cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger make their appearance at this time of year. Sometimes all together, and that is just bliss for me. Of all the tastes of the season I think my favorite is peppermint. Be it a candy cane, a peppermint mocha, or with chocolate I love-love-love peppermint! Everyone who knows me knows of my obsession with holiday tea. Not all tea, just one in particular, the Candy Cane tea. It is a wonderful blend of peppermint, vanilla, and decaffeinated green tea. Usually they sell it at Walgreen's (of all places) and I usually stock up for the whole year because I love it so much. Well this year they did not have it at Walgreen's and I was so sad until I saw that they were carrying a similar one at Trader Joes! I was a little skeptical at first but wow, I was so impressed I think I might actually like this one a little more than the Celestial Seasonings one! I am going back this week to stock up for the year!
When doing the weekly shopping this past Saturday I really stocked up on a bunch of yummy seasonal delights. I threw everything festive into the cart, cinnamon almonds, Candy Cane Tea, Gingerbread mix, Apple Spice Cake mix, sea salt caramels, spiral baked ham, and my new favorite goodie: Pfeffernusse! They are a German spice cookie. Pfeffernusse translates to "pepper nut" in English and they are AMAZING! They are soft on the inside, sort of like a sugar cookie with cinnamon, nutmeg, anise, and all spice to name a few. There are no actual nuts in the cookie, but then the outside is covered in a powdered sugar wonderment. It is a little crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside and just a big ol' party in your mouth! I think I am going to bake some from scratch and take them to holiday gatherings they are just so wonderful!
I partook in my first ice skating adventure last night. I don't know if it counts because it was on fake ice and I don't just mean the man made ice, I mean this rink was made out of recycled water bottles. I know here in LA we do things a little different but this was very different. It was sort of like skating on a giant cutting board. I know how knives feel. It was great for someone like me who is a first timer because it is not nearly as slippery as real ice. Once you got the hang of it it was actually quite fun. I ended up having a great time on my fake ice with real friends! I accompanied my skating with some hot chocolate and a chilly night and it really made me feel festive.
There are still so many things to do, but it is all worth the hustle bustle!
Cheers to a wonderful holiday!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I used to be so dumb or innocent-you decide!
Some things that I used to think when I was very young are now so silly to me but I thought I would share my thoughts of late. Maybe some of these delusional thoughts shaped who I am today? Maybe not and I was just dumb and unaware. What were my parents doing? Obviously not teaching me anything!
Dumb Fact #1: I thought that my grandfather was rich because we called him Grandpa Rich and he always gave us money when we saw him. Usually it was $1 but to a little kid that is a lot of money. When I realized that his name was Richard and we called him Grandpa Rich because Rich is his name I was very disappointed that he was not the wealthy man I thought him to be. How sad is it that I knew what wealth was and not my grandfather's name!
Dumb Fact #2: This would be more of a naive thing I think, but you can decide. When I was younger I never knew that during sex the penis actually went inside the vagina. Now having a vagina I should have known that there was a hole there, let me rephrase, I knew that there was a hole but I thought only pee came out of that hole and my god I never would have thought anything actually went inside that hole. So how do you make a baby? I had no idea how the sperm got into the woman. As sad as it is to admit I really think I was about 13 before I figured it out and then oh my god I was so shocked! I was floored that the penis actually went into the vagina but it did make a lot more sense! So I guess my thoughts of what sex were was more like dry humping rather than intercourse. Where was that birds and bees talk mom?
Dumb Fact #3: I thought that when you gave a urine sample to the doctor that he had to drink it to see if there was something wrong. I wish I were making this up but sadly I am not. I seriously wondered why anyone would want to be a doctor if they had to drink pee but I just figured that maybe that didn't bother some people like it bothered me. I am coming to find out that it apparently doesn't bother the survivor man, since I saw him drink his own pee on tv. Once I finally asked my doctor how pee tasted and he told me he had no idea and I asked him how he knew my test was okay and he told me they test the pee in a lab. I was thoroughly confused at that point. But I did feel relieved that the doctors didn't have to drink pee, which I guess would also mean that they didn't have to eat poop! What a crazy world we live in where doctors would have to eat poop and drink pee all day. Imagine what a gynecologist would have to deal with. All of their patients are constantly submitting pee samples! GROSS! Gosh I was really imaginative and dumb.
Those are the only dumb facts I can think of right now, but when more come to mind I will be sure to share!
Dumb Fact #1: I thought that my grandfather was rich because we called him Grandpa Rich and he always gave us money when we saw him. Usually it was $1 but to a little kid that is a lot of money. When I realized that his name was Richard and we called him Grandpa Rich because Rich is his name I was very disappointed that he was not the wealthy man I thought him to be. How sad is it that I knew what wealth was and not my grandfather's name!
Dumb Fact #2: This would be more of a naive thing I think, but you can decide. When I was younger I never knew that during sex the penis actually went inside the vagina. Now having a vagina I should have known that there was a hole there, let me rephrase, I knew that there was a hole but I thought only pee came out of that hole and my god I never would have thought anything actually went inside that hole. So how do you make a baby? I had no idea how the sperm got into the woman. As sad as it is to admit I really think I was about 13 before I figured it out and then oh my god I was so shocked! I was floored that the penis actually went into the vagina but it did make a lot more sense! So I guess my thoughts of what sex were was more like dry humping rather than intercourse. Where was that birds and bees talk mom?
Dumb Fact #3: I thought that when you gave a urine sample to the doctor that he had to drink it to see if there was something wrong. I wish I were making this up but sadly I am not. I seriously wondered why anyone would want to be a doctor if they had to drink pee but I just figured that maybe that didn't bother some people like it bothered me. I am coming to find out that it apparently doesn't bother the survivor man, since I saw him drink his own pee on tv. Once I finally asked my doctor how pee tasted and he told me he had no idea and I asked him how he knew my test was okay and he told me they test the pee in a lab. I was thoroughly confused at that point. But I did feel relieved that the doctors didn't have to drink pee, which I guess would also mean that they didn't have to eat poop! What a crazy world we live in where doctors would have to eat poop and drink pee all day. Imagine what a gynecologist would have to deal with. All of their patients are constantly submitting pee samples! GROSS! Gosh I was really imaginative and dumb.
Those are the only dumb facts I can think of right now, but when more come to mind I will be sure to share!
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