I fell

I did, I fell off the bed last night. I wish I could report that the fall were due to some amazing sex act or a new crazy sex position, but it was for no reason at all. I was having a tickle fight with Ron and Dom. Dom-yes my 3 year old son-kicked me in the stomach with both of his feet and I went flying back off the bed. It felt just like this!



The weight of my whole body landed on my right hip just above my butt. You would think that there is enough cushioning on my butt to soften the blow but I had to land just about the padding on the bony parts. Needless to say it was not fun. I was having shooting pains down my leg and up into my neck for the rest of the night. Luckily we had some Vicodin left from a previous injury. I popped one of those bad boys and was able to at least get to sleep. The pain has subsided today-luckily. All in all it was still a great tickle fight, next time I know not to take post so close to the end of the bed!

What am I doing????

I know, I have not posted since FRIDAY-5 days! What???? But the good news is that I didn't not post because I was lazy or felt depressed or sad. I didn't post because I was busy-good busy. Busy with work for my own company that I enjoy doing. I had a premiere on Thursday night and then Friday I worked like a crazy woman and went home to enjoy my family.

I did not open my computer AT ALL over the weekend because I was enjoy the gorgeous weather. I spent all day Saturday shopping with my girlfriend and helping her redecorate her condo. I had a blast and really enjoyed the fact that my husband was helping too because the secretly gay side of him is a great decorator. He really enjoys it too. So not only did I get to spend the day with my family, we shopped and ate and had some cocktails and enjoyed the beginning days of a Southern California spring.

Sunday was simply amazing. We changed the clocks forward for daylight savings time. Dom decided to sleep in until 10am. If he hadn't crawled into bed with me at 7:30a I might have woken up in a panic at 8am and rushed to his bedside to make sure he were still breathing. But since he had crawled into bed with me we had over 2 hours of snuggle time and I was just in absolute heaven (or Pandora-hehe). I got more sleep than I had gotten in years and I felt amazing when we got up. We spent most of the day outside and at the zoo with Dom. A little cleaning and laundry rounded out a wonderful weekend.

This week has proven to be a bit busy but again, good busy-my kind of busy with fun work that I am enjoying. I am feeling much better about things. I have a wonderful network that is making things easier to get through. Am I there yet-hell no. But I am on the path and I am aware, that in itself is such a beautiful thing. I am off to go sit in some splendid traffic with the windows down and the radio blasting-welcoming spring with open arms!

More to report tomorrow-FOR SURE!

Hands-not the Jewel song!

I'm not sure when this started but I realized while driving the other day that my hands look old. I keep priding myself on not really having any wrinkles or fine lines, especially since I used to be a smoker! Maybe that is why my hands are getting old, from smoking? Can that happen? Do I need to start a research project on the effects of smoking on your hands? Forget the lung cancer, prematurely aging hands is MAJOR.

I had seen an episode of Dr. 90210 once where someone had a hand lift and I thought that hey were nuts but now, I can totally understand. If I keep up at this rate I am going to need a hand lift at 35! I was prepared for the aging process to start but I wasn't expecting it to start popping up in random places. I have already had a child so I am fine with the sagging boobs and this little part of my tummy that no matter how many ab exercises I do still looks soft, but now my hands-COME ON!

I wondered if they made anti aging products for your hands and guess what THEY DO! For a mere $45 per tube I can get me some Dr. Robert Rey Sensual Solutions Anti Aging Hand Cream! What did our mothers do without Dr. Rey's fantastically expensive hand cream? Have old looking hands is what! Boy am I glad that I live in 2010!

Turning a page

After several months of some pretty heavy emotional stuff I have come to the conclusion that I am having a mid life crisis at 29 1/2. I think that means I will live to be 59 but who knows for sure! I have decided that I have no idea who I am, I have no idea what I like, and I have no idea how to find out who I am or what I like. I think I have written something similar before but that was before the awareness really sunk in.

After a week of crying and yelling and more crying and then a little more yelling I realized my biggest problem is that I am scared. I like to say "stuck" because it sounds prettier but really I am scared. Scared to try anything new for fear that I might not be good at it. Yes, please think to yourself how stupid I sound okay now think about if you forgot to turn the bathroom light off this morning, okay now back to me.

Part of my own therapy diagnosis to get past being scared is to just do stuff and not care if I am good or bad at it. I like writing on this blog even though I know only one person reads it-thanks follower I love you! I love you not just cause you read my blog. My follower also inspires me. Thank you for that! I want to write everyday, even if it is one line. I am going to make myself do it even when I can think of 1,001 reasons why I cant muster up the energy or time to write one line on my blog. I also really want to get my tattoo done. I have been so scared of the pain-yes I know the insanity again.

Okay so step one, blog and tattoo. OH and for the love of god, getting back to the gym-that one's more for my jeans than my identity crisis!

Stalled Cars

Just a quick note because I have been noticing this a lot lately. That would be the number of stalled cars on the freeway and even on surface streets. What is with the stalled cars? Are people running out of gas? Are they not fixing their cars so they are breaking down more often? I cannot figure it out but it is a HUGE pain in my ass. The traffic is bad enough on it's own without the help of Mr. Saturn in the third lane from the right broken down just before Sunset Blvd! Get your oil changes and repairs done, I mean is this really a sign of our times? Is the economy so bad that people are foregoing repair bills and normal maintenance on their vehicles because they simply cannot afford it? I can see how that would make sense but in the mean time please, if you feel your car starting to plunker out TRY-for the LOVE OF GOD-TRY and get to the breakdown lane. I wonder what goes through your mind as your car is tinkering out on the 405 in rush hour? Do you think, "I can probably make it" or "Who cares if I break down, I have AAA". None of those are good thoughts! The thoughts people should be thinking are "Oh My God, someone will pull out a 45 and shoot me on the freeway if I stall so I better get my ass to the breakdown lane AS FAST AS I CAN". Judging by the way people drive in general I could assume that they could care less if they hold up traffic even more so they don't bother to try and move over to the right and make it into the breakdown lane. That would require too much effort just like putting your blinker on to change lanes or make a turn. Seriously, why do they even bother to put blinkers in cars that are driven by Southern Californians, they are purely decorative. Okay, I am stopping myself there because I could seriously go on for another 5 paragraphs about the woes of driving in So Cal. But please people I beg you, take care of your damn cars, I don't know how much more of this I can take!

Cuddle Buddies and Wet Feet.....

It has been raining for six days straight here in Los Angeles. Now being from the Midwest I am more than used to rain but even back home, 6 days of straight rain is pretty unusual. Here in So Cal six days of rain has increased our suicide rate by 30%. People are walking around like mummies in a trance that took an Ambien but never fell asleep. Aimlessly wandering to work, to home, to the market all while sort of being not "really here". Maybe that explains all of the car accidents this week? The terrible tease is that the sun will pop out for like 15 minutes and the clouds break so you think "maybe it's all over" and then BOOM the dark clouds roll back in and it's pouring once again. Oh and hailing....and mini tornado's are touching down, picking up all of the small dogs that everyone bought 4 years ago. Needless to say we are in quite a frenzy here in Southern California.

All that aside, I have not felt the effects of the rain aside from some minor inconveniences like getting my feet wet while walking to my car. I feel pretty upbeat and present. My goal after all is to find "my happy: this year. I am not going to let a little bit of rain, or a lot of rain for that matter, stand in my way.

I will admit that getting out of bed in the morning has turned into a chore. Especially since my son has taken to a new habit of waking up around 5:30ish and coming into bed to "cuddle with mommy" for about an hour before we have to wake up for work and school. That hour is my favorite hour of the day. I have now begun to wake up around 5:30 awaiting his little footsteps down the hall into my room dragging his blankie behind him. He will face me and his warm little breath hits my face and I swear to God it is the best feeling in the world. Sometimes he will put his arm around me and I just melt. I could stay there all day, especially when I know that I am going to have to deal with wet feet and cold weather as soon as I step outside. I am definitely looking forward to this weekend when I can stay in bed late with my cuddle buddies and wake up to the sunshine (well I hope we get some sunshine)!

Lesson 1 for 2010

So far it seems that the universe (or whatever higher power you believe in, should you so believe in a higher power) has decided to give me a lesson and I am willing to take it. The lesson is patience. In every aspect of my life right now I am asked to be patient and I am not a patient person by any means. In fact I think I would categorically be the exact opposite of patient. I want everything yesterday and sometimes the day before. I thought that having a child would help me be patient but it didn't.

I have to be patient about my job and my very stressful and unstable work environment. Patient and hopeful that things will work themselves out in a positive way that doesn't end with me on unemployment with no insurance. I have to be patient about my side jobs that are taking so long to start up after the beginning of the year. I also noticed that my patients with my son are lacking severely. He is only 3 and at times I expect him to be 13 but without all the teenage crap that comes with 13 by GOD!

I was aware that I was very impatient with him but I wasn't doing anything to change it. I then had an "ah ha" moment. I was at home and had to jump on the computer to send something off for work. Dom loves to climb on my shoulders when I sit down at the computer and it REALLY annoys me and usually within 3 seconds of him starting to climb I freak out and yell at him to "get off my shoulders!"! Well for some reason this time I simply said "Dom, you are making mommy angry right now"! OH MY GOD do you know what he said?!?!?!? He said "Oh no Mommy, I don't want you to be angry I want you to be happy"! My darling little boy at 3 years old just wants his Mommy to be happy and you know what in that moment I was happier than I had been in YEARS! I simply replied back "well if you please get down off of my shoulders that would make me happy" and he did and gave me a HUGE hug! Patients, the lesson that the universe was forcing in my face brought me a moment of utopia that only I would know.

In that moment I was a changed person and I embraced my lesson and have put it into full practice. I have not raised my voice once with him or yelled at him (okay i know it's only been about a week) and I feel so much better. I am not stressing about my work mess and my other income taking longer to arrive. All of the chips will fall as they should and they will in their own time. So thank you universe for my first lesson of the year. I will make sure to stay present and accept any and all other lessons you should throw my way!